i think my mom watched the whole time
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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