Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He felt like a one man threesome
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
