This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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