I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Please don't give away my fajitas
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
