Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
