I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
