We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
