Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
