So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
