we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
