The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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