People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
