I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
