I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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