We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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