just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
