Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
