She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
