You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
