No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize