guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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