Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
