I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
