You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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