you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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