we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
