I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
