Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
