I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
