My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
