I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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