i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
