OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
