i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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