Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
