you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
