Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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