you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
