am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
