the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
