The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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