I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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