she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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