She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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