Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
