24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
