I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
