thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
