It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
