I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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