went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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