first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
