apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
