I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
