Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize