So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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