I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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