Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
